Five Times Humans Confused the Autobots
by Coldpaws
Summary: 2007 Movieverse...and One Time They Didn't. Five cultural misunderstandings and one evening of enlightenment that shaped Autobot and human relations, for better or worse.
1. Jazz

Summary: Five cultural misunderstandings and one evening of enlightenment that shaped Autobot and human relations, for better or worse.

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**Five Times Humans Confused the Autobots (and One Time They Didn't)**

**Jazz**

The Autobots began receiving faint radio messages from Earth before they'd even entered the solar system. By the time they passed through Pluto's orbit, the messages were strong enough for them to begin deciphering human languages. By the time they rounded Saturn's rings they had deciphered enough code to be thoroughly confounded.   

"_Isn't the English word "_cool_" talkin' 'bout the temperature?"_Jazz radioed the others.   

"_Yes." _Optimus replied.   

"_and "_wicked_" means morally depraved 'n' cruel?" _  
 

"_It does." _

"_and "_bad_" means, y'know, __**not good**__?" _

 "_That was one of the first words we decoded, Jazz." _Jazz could hear Ratchet's frustration mounting. He bristled a bit at the implied reprimand; it wasn't his fault.  

"_I'm jus' tryin'a understand a conversation between two humans I got, goes like this: _ 

-Oh, dude, your new board's totally wicked! 

-I know, idn't so bad? 

-Way cool, man, way cool."  

The link fell silent for a few moments as each of the others (well, maybe not Ironhide) attempted to translate the conversation into cybertronian.   

"_Perhaps your receiver is malfunctioning." _Optimus tentatively said.  

"_Primus, I hope not. I don't know if I'll be able to repair such an intricate part. If you've gone and damaged such a primary and delicate component…"_ Ratchet trailed off before the curses could pass through the spacewaves.  

"_I'm pretty sure it's workin' just fine."_ Jazz replied as haughtily as he could in this form of communication.  

"_I see no other reason for composition of that conversation, unless beyond my awareness boards obtained moral characters. The second human also seemed rather…enthusiastic over the immorality of its board."_Optimus noted diplomatically.  

"_I tell ya, that's what it said, loudn'clear." _

**ooo**

"_I may have found an explanation for that conversation you transmitted to us as we passed by the 6th planet." _Optimus said to Jazz as they waited for Bumblebee's signal in orbit. Jazz received an internet address, and quickly uploaded the page.  

"Bad: 1. opposite of good 2. opposite of bad 3. taking responsibility for something bad 4. possessing the qualities of badness." _What?_ Jazz thought. He read the first two notes again.  

"Bad: 1. Opposite of good 2. Opposite of bad" _How can a word be the opposite of itself? Does "_bad_" mean both good __**and**__ not good at the same slaggin' time? _  

Sweet Primus, it'd be a miracle if they could communicate with the humans at all. 

Jazz made sure to go through every entry on urbandictionary...just in case.  

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Notes: Jazz's confusion over the word "bad" was inspired by an actual conversation between my mother and I. I tried to convince her that "bad" meaning "good" made sense, and it didn't work out so well. 


	2. Optimus Prime

**Elita One:** Wouldn't you be too, though? Does that make any sense at all?  
**Blume: **Well, with enough time, and videos, and etc. they might have…As far as topics go, there's a little bit of this, little of that ;P  
**Jillian Jiggs: **Well, now I've just learned what an AH is too…darn you internet. Thanks for the review and compliment, though!  
**Soului: **Thanks so much! I'm glad that my fic seemed to be in character and realistic.  
**October 13****th**Yeah, like I said, I just had an argument with my mom about it. I'll be putting up these chapters pretty quick, so no worries!  
**JML:** I think Jazz loves Earth slang. That doesn't mean he always understands it perfectly. In my experience learning foreign languages, after a certain point of "why is it this way?" you just throw up your hands and go with the flow. Thanks for the review!  
**Casey:** Like I said to JML, I think eventually Jazz just took English for what it was: a mish-mash of various languages still growing, with a huge variety of local dialects, idioms, and slangs. And he wouldn't have it any other way. And thanks for the tips!  
**LostSchizophrenic:** I'm glad you like it! And thanks for pointing out the typo. I think I've fixed it, so now my fics just a bit more polished.**  
**

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**Optimus Prime**

"Let them leave." Oh, Primus his spark ached to say that.  

Mikaela had slipped, his metal too smooth, and Sam had barely managed to catch her. Just in time, Bumblebee transformed in mid-air to catch them. Bumblebee had _saved_ them.  

And then, when the human helicopters approached, Bumblebee stood in between those fragile beings and their own kind's weapons.   

"Stop, stop!" said the boy. The humans snared Bumblebee's limbs and pulled him down like a dangerous animal.   

"Look, he's not fighting back!" Sam had yelled. It was true.  

"Somebody!"  The government agents did not stop. When Sam futilely shoved at one of the ice-blowing men, two more appeared to take him down as well.  

Optimus could not say why Sector Seven feared the Autobots and Bumblebee enough to torture him like that (it was so _obviously_ torture, as Bumblebee moaned and screamed). The Autobots had not harmed any humans; Bumblebee had three times risked injury to himself to _save_ humans. Sam and Mikaela obviously harbored no fear towards them.  

Prime did not enjoy violence. His moral code prevented him from harming any other sentient beings unless _absolutely necessary_. 

 If the Autobots attempted to break Bumblebee, Sam, and Mikaela free, the conflict would not be as peaceful as the first encounter between the Autobots and Sector Seven. He couldn't risk it.  

That didn't mean the order didn't hurt.   

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Notes: Optimus' story is my least favorite of the bunch. I just couldn't quite get the particular kind of confusion I was trying to get through. The kind that you get when you think about people hurting each other, when you think too hard on how cruel people can truly be, and you just want to scream "why?!" Also, Optimus is just damn hard to write in character.


	3. Ratchet

**Autobotfangirl:** I love English. And languages in general. They're all so quirky!  
**Tomorrow4eva:** Don't you just love those "awkward turtle" moments? Everyone thinks Jazz is going crazy…but of course it's us humans fault!  
**EerieIri:** Thanks! I'm glad you like it so far. They only get better from here on out.

and to **October 13****th**(don't worry he bounces back) and **LostSchizophrenic** (I'm glad OP seems ok to you), thanks for stickin' through and reviewing!

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**Ratchet**

Mikaela had been assisting Ratchet repair Bumblebee for several days after the Mission City attack before they ran into a problem.  

 "You want me to_what?! _" Mikaela face expressed horror or disgust, from what Ratchet knew of human body language. He noted the increase of heart rate and respiration. 

 "You need to extract some neural wires from Jazz." He relied in as calming a voice as possible. 

 Mikaela gaped at him. "I can't-I can't do that!"  

"Why not? Your smaller size will make access to and manipulation of the wiring much easier than for any Autobot." 

 "I just, just,_can't. _"  

"Mikaela. The control pathway wiring in Bumblebee's legs was completed melted by the missile blast. Even if we reconnect his joints, hydrolics, and armour, he won't be able to feel or move any of it unless we acquire new wiring. As I have explained, I cannot manufacture the wiring using Earth materials at this time."  

Mikaela frowned, bit her lip. Her hands dropped to her sides as she stared at the floor for several moments. She took a shaky breath, then looked up at him.  

"Okay." She looked at the wall again. "Okay. Just tell me what I need to do."  

When she had wound sufficient sized loops of different thicknesses of wires, Ratchet finally informed her they were finished. Mikaela tore off her work gloves like they were on fire, and refused to look at Jazz, Ratchet, or the stacks of wires.  

 "I do not understand why the task has upset you so much." Ratchet said honestly. "Jazz's remains do not carry any of the contagions that human remains would."  

"Oh god. It, it's got nothing to do with disease, Ratchet." Mikaela sighed. "It's just, taking…from his body, it just really bothered me, you know?" Mikaela looked up at him imploringly.  

"No, I am afraid I do not." Mikaela pressed her lips together.  

"I should probably head home. It's getting late."  

After seeing her off, Ratchet returned inside to his temporary medical bay. As he put away his tools and roughly organized the materials for tomorrow, he contemplated Mikaela's reaction to the day's events.   

Ratchet studied constantly on the practices of human health. Perhaps he should also study the customs of human death.  

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Notes: I don't have much to say on this one, except that I was pleasantly surprised at how it turned out. I don't see the Autobots looking at something like this as "violating" Jazz or anything. They lose parts and replace them all the time, change their own specifications, heck, they might even be able to switch bodies if they _really_ wanted a change of scenery. Jazz's body isn't who Jazz is.

But for Mikaela, western culture has a long tradition of believing damage to the body after death prevents that persons soul from entering heaven. Nowadays we're not so strong in that belief, but the aversion to things like autopsies and organ donation remains.


	4. Bumblebee

**Everyone:** I know they're thinking about bringing Jazz back. For the purposes of this fic, they couldn't do it.

**teh blumchenkinder:** I think you're right about how because we so strongly associate person with face/body affects why injury to the body, even after that person can't feel it anymore, really bothers us.  
**LostSchizophrenic:** I think cannibalism is maybe a bit strong…On the other hand, ritualized cannibalism _is_ a big aspect of certain human cultures (see the wikipedia on kuru for one such practice, and one reason cannibalism might have become taboo).  
**HURRICANE'Hanah:** Thanks for the review, I'm glad you find it interesting.**  
Elita One:** We'll get to Ironhide soon enough…;) And I think it's interesting how your experience with your Dad leads you to have such a different reaction from some of my other reviewers.  
**NybCR:** You're right in that it's an ingrained, irrational disturbance. It's cultural taboos like these that cause the biggest confusion when cultures meet. Ratchet can't logically come up with a reason Mikeala would be so bothered, right?  
**The Digital Artist:** I don't think either Mikaela or Ratchet are "right" or "wrong." This piece is just to show how maybe Ratchet wouldn't be able to empathize/understand her emotions, not to show that they are invalid.  
**Casey:** I think your understanding of Optimus Prime's character pretty closely matches my own. The trouble is just that that archetype of character (old, strong, wise, fatherly, etc.) is really difficult to write. I think in part the difficulty comes from the fact that although everyone respects and loves that kind of character, very few of us have those perfect characteristics. I'm glad you thought my take on him was OK (I cheated and didn't show too many of his internal thoughts).

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**Bumblebee**

"_Why are you waiting outside?" _Ratchet radioed Bumblebee from inside the Autobot's new temporary base. He'd heard the camaro pull up in front of the huge doors that closed off the inside of the Quonset hut.   

"_Sam and Mikaela are currently "_making out_" in my back seat." _The human younglings were always hesitant to perform courting rituals in front of him, Ratchet acknowledged. Still, his curiosity got the best of him.   

"_Have they copulated yet?"   _

"_Not that I know of, no."   _

"_Why the frag not? If they're having problems, I've discovered a large variety of human developed aphrodisiacs."  _

"_I don't think they need those. Human courting rituals are just…complicated"_Bumblebee offered as his only explanation.  

To tell the truth, Bumblebee was also curious for the pair of teenagers to move beyond "first base." He found Sam's romantic exploits exciting, so for two weeks he'd been prodding Sam to give rides to Mikaela as often as possible (not that he needed much prodding there), taking them to 'romantic' locations he researched on the internet, and playing 'mood building' music. In spite of his efforts they had made little progress.  

He couldn't understand why the two humans _still_ hadn't "done it like they do on the discovery channel."  

Maybe he should take Ratchet up on those aphrodisiacs.  

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Notes: Bumblebee's not meant to be a horny, peeping tom. He's just innocently trying to get the two of them to do it, because he knows they would enjoy it and he's curious about humanity. I compare it to how some humans find watching lions mate on TV just "fascinating!" Or, even better, how many fanfiction writers there are out there right this instant imagining how Transformers might go about getting' it on. 


	5. Ironhide

**Drakeduran:** Thank you? I hope?  
**LostSchizophrenic:** With Ratchet, I was definitely thinking of the fact that he was so blunt about their attraction the first time they met. I like how you compare Optimus, Ironhide, and Ratchet to the "parent figures" in Sam and Mikaela's (and probably Bee's) minds. It's so true.  
**Ted:** I'm glad you liked the first three chapters! With Bumblebee's chapter, I'm not trying to argue that you should have sex outside of marriage; I was just trying to point out that giant robots from outer space might not understand why humans wouldn't (they may or may not reproduce through something like sex, their "God" manifests itself in their lives very differently from ours, they probably can't get STIs, etc). Who knows? Maybe Sam and/or Mikaela haven't had sex for that very reason.

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**Ironhide**

"Sarah Lennox." Sarah jumped at the deep, rough address that came from the speakers. Ironhide tried to keep his volume lower when speaking to a rider in his cab, but Sarah still hadn't quite gotten used to the Autobots' rumbling voices yet. She tried, and this whole trip for Annabelle's vaccines was about getting to know Ironhide better and …acclimating…to him, so after the adrenaline bled out of her system she replied:  

"Yes, Ironhide?" She would work on the formality of 'Sarah Lennox' later. 

 "What is the 'tooth fairy'?" Well, that was unexpected. 

 "Well, when children grow up, one set of teeth falls out and is replaced by a bigger, adult set that they keep for the rest of their lives." 

 "Ratchet informed me of this."  

"Ok, well, when the kiddies lose a tooth they put it under their pillow before they go to sleep. Then, the tooth fairy comes in and takes the tooth. As payment the tooth fairy leaves behind some coins. The bigger the tooth, the more the tooth fairy leaves in exchange for it."  

"And this tooth fairy will come to Annabelle Lennox's bed to buy her teeth?"   

Sarah began to say yes, but something in the tone of Ironhide's voice stopped her. She suddenly had a vision of him anxiously watching Annabelle sleep and blowing up her or Will as they tried to exchange a tooth for some nickels.  

"Um, no. Will or I will replace the tooth. The tooth fairy's not real." Sarah felt a bit awkward in the silence that followed that piece of information. She tried to distract herself with the fascinating sagebrush and dirt scenery next to the highway.  

"You lie to your offspring." Sometimes the computerized tone of the Autobots drove Sarah up the wall. Was this a question or a statement?  

"Nooo, it's not a lie, per sé…you know, it's a story. It's good for them, their imaginations."   

Ironhide couldn't believe what this woman was telling him. The idea of parts suddenly falling off as one aged terrified him enough, but this? _Humans lie to their offspring about the existence of a creature that breaks into their quarters during recharge, steals outdated, lost parts, and replaces them with currency. Then the creators perform this task themselves? And this is __**good**__ for the offspring_? 

 Primus, humans did nonsense.  

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Notes: Ironhide is love. I imagine him to be a rather old mech, so to discover that as human's age certain parts (teeth, hair) start falling out would horrify him. Also, because teeth are one of the only weapon-like things nature left us with, I have this image of him rushing home to check every little cog in his cannons. 


	6. Ratchet, Optimus, Ironhide, Bumblebee

**LostSchizophrenic:** I left it to the reader to remember that (you obviously did!). In my head, Ironhide kind of forgot about the original encounter during the deadly battle for the universe, and now that things have settled down, and he's hauling around another little girl, he's reminded of it and asks his question. I can't imagine the destruction if he_was_ the tooth fairy though…shivers in fear  
**Ted:** Thanks! I see Ironhide as a big softie, really. I think in the movie a lot of his violent remarks are sarcastic, like when he suggests blowing up Sam's parents and Optimus says "What is with you?"…I'm pretty sure he (Ironhide) was joking.  
**Casey:** When I first saw the movie, as soon as I walk out the door I turn to my friend and say: "They were making out _on top of Bumblebee_. In front of all the other Autobots; _watching them_!!" Obviously though, Bumblebee didn't mind…

I just want to throw a big thank you out there to all my reviewers and readers! I'm glad that some of the introspection in this fic has intrigued you all as well, and I hope you enjoy its conclusion.

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**Ratchet, Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Bumblebee **

"You wish to hold a "wake" for Jazz?" Optimus had asked when Sam and Mikaela proposed the idea. Sam nervously shifted from one foot to the other nervously, and Mikaela stubbornly kept her eyes anywhere but at the Autobots' faces.  

"Well, it, I mean, it's technically a month's mind, being a month later rather than the next day, but they're essentially the same thing…I know you didn't let the government take him away, and Mikaela told me that you don't have the same, uh, customs about how to take care of, of-" 

"Sam." Ratchet cut him off. "We…are honored, that you offer your traditions to our comrade."  

And so, on the month's anniversary of the battle in Mission city, the humans had and the Autobots celebrated their victory over Megatron, and the accomplishments of Jazz's long, hard life.   

"Whew, I'm gonna go cool off, guys." Maggie fanned herself as she stepped off the DDR pad. Glen stepped onto the machine and began leading humans and robots alike in a dance contest. Maggie noticed Optimus standing next to Ironhide in truck form, and headed over to the both of them.  

"Hey guys, what are you doing all the way over here?" Optimus squatted down as she approached Ironhide's passenger side.  

"Oh, Ironhide was just giving me a comfortable place to feed Annabelle." Sarah's voice came from inside the truck. 

 "Ah, I'll, leave you to it then. Nice music." Maggie nodded in Optimus' direction. Optimus transformed, and popped his door for her. Maggie hopped in, as by this point the cooling desert air had done it's work and she was starting to shiver.  

"Jazz appropriated the name for this style of music for his English designation." Optimus said. They listened quietly to the smooth, sweet sound of Stan Getz's saxophone. "Jazz…delighted in human culture. He would have enjoyed these festivities."  

"Good." Maggie patted the seat next to her, nodding. " 's really good."  

"Yes." Optimus agreed.  

Dusk turned to night on the high desert as the humans and cybertronians ate, drank, and generally had a merry time.  

"Here take this." Mikaela stuffed several marshmallows onto the stick before handing it to Ironhide. Their little party had simmered down to two concentric circles. A fire made the middle, then the humans around its warmth, and lastly the Autobots seated around the outside.  

The large mech carefully lowered the end over the flames, waiting.  

"It's never gonna catch like that." Mikaela remarked. She reached over, grabbed the stick, and jerked the end down into the fire. The marshmallows burst into flames. Ironhide almost smiled. Almost.  

"Quick! Blow 'em out before they melt off into the fire." Glen shouted gleefully. Ironhide pulled them up next to his side, and suddenly the humans heard the sound of fans whirring to life. A great gust came out of his vents, and the marshmallows went out.  

"Let's see it. Oh-oh-oh, perfect." Mikaela tested two with her fingers, before pulling them off and passing one to Sam. Sarah took the remaining two. She popped one in her own mouth, and after picking off the burnt crust of the other, broke off little pieces for Annabelle to suck on. The humans sucked on marshmallows or crunched into smores, quieting the conversation for a few minutes.  

"All right, Prime, tell us a story." Will said as he wiped chocolate off on his pants.  

"You want me to tell a story?" Optimus looked down at the humans seated around the campfire.   

"Well, it doesn't_ have_ to be you." Will Lennox said. "It's just, we need a story. A good one, about something Jazz did that was, you know, Jazz."  

"I'll start." Optimus was surprised at the effect this had on the humans. A great rustling, shifting, as everyone settled in together and turned their attention on one Technical Sergeant.  

"We just got hit by missiles, from something that looked like friendly fire. I learn now it was Starscream, but then it was just confusing and disheartening. Then, we see a damn tank coming down the road! Our group runs to find cover, there's civilians everywhere, and things are headed to hell in a handbasket. Then, from a side street, Jazz comes roaring at the tank. He transforms and jumps him, pulling his gun off to the side and makin' his shot go wild. The tank starts to transform too, and it's obvious this thing's twice Jazz's size, and you know what he says? He says 'Come on, Decepticon punk!' and then he kicks one set of rockets off the tanks shoulder before the tank grabs him and throws him 2 blocks away." The humans all smiled and nodded and chuckled at Jazz's chutzpah. They fell quiet again, and the fire crackled and popped in the silence.   

"Jazz and I click are both small mechs." Bumblebee began tentatively. He paused for everyone to get settled facing towards him, and then began on one of his favorite memories of Jazz.  

**Fin**


End file.
